“One man with a gun can control 100 without one.”
– Vladimir Lenin
Power isn’t strictly the name of the game in fantasy football/soccer. In fact the word doesn’t feature in the game’s name whatsoever. But force, control and power do play their parts. Head to heads are weekly tests of strength, and the one atop the ladder board is generally the one who comes out top most often, sometimes with a slice of craftiness. Brute force numbers are the bread and butter, and of course figure importantly in everything, but Bestish is its own animal, one that may not correlate to outright control. Control is winning week to week, without necessarily having the highest overall score. And power is the combination of the two. To be honest, you could probably rescramble the three words and justify the same, but the point stands, imperiously, like a resting bitch face.
“I’m not a dictator. It’s just that I have a grumpy face.”
– Augusto Pinochet
Premier League
In a week when the top three all fell at the first hurdle in synchronized failure, Bigger Than Brolin leapfrogged from fourth to first, defeating Boss with the week’s lowest-winning score. (And that’s power, people.) From second to fifth, one league point separates the peloton, with the Money Team just off the pace in sixth after a logging a fresh, new, high-scoring victory over Mighty Fine Feeling. Vanishing Spray beat Bigo1 and climbs out of the relegation spots to seventh as a result, swapping places with its defeated foe, level on league points but the better in Bestish. All-Star Gunners also picked up crucial points in its defeat of Reykjavik. Just a point off Vanishing and Bigo and 9 from top spot, they refuse to admit anything like defeat. In fact, ASG plays Brolin this week, and could have a direct say in the matters itself. And Santa Barbara beat Smash & Grab for the second time this term, largely because S&G is managed by an idiot who was too dim to recognize the team had a major fitness crisis in defense. Pundits had warned that relying on Vardy and Söyüncü to score over half one’s points was not a winning philosophy, but the admonishments went unheeded, and so it came to be. Reykjavik are winless after 10 gameweeks. It can be a brutal game.
Championship
With a commanding win over East Loop, Tralfamadore capitalized on Sporting Wicker’s high-stakes 42-40 defeat of AFC Chester, closed the gap and overtook the former frontrunner. The alwayswere/alwayswillbe spacepeople were former frontrunners themselves, so the timeline may be getting a little wonky, but far as anyone can tell, it’s all even on league points, the Zoo currently nosing it on overall points. All this to say we’ve got a new(-ish) leader (co-leader), (again,) at the top of the Championship! In the week’s nitty gritty, Voyageurs squeaked by GoFYS by a point, and Swans and SB Town both scored more but got two fewer points, battling to a draw in the tight-score sweepstakes. Last, Chucky Pad vanquished Branwellington, which leaves the Wellies and SB Town mired in the single digits–with 9 and 7 points, respectively–with East Loop and Chucky Pad in a dogfight at 12 points to escape the last relegation spot. Banana Swans enjoys a point of safety elevated and away from the scrapping pair, who face off this weekend to settle the matter themselves, live and direct.
League One
Cornballers crushed stillluvQPR to retain pole position, doubling the Rangers’ score, and everyone else is trying to catch up to Ballerz, or at least not fall further behind. No such luck for Route 57 and Cabezazo, who drew with one another and each gained a point/dropped two. Goleta Hotspur edged past Webuilthiscity by one point in the week’s lowest winning score (bested by both 57 and Zazo, to their chagrin). K.H. Granitza Sting bodyslammed Relic to heap more misery on the cellar-dwelling side and Hung Like a Bony, even on points with Sting at 19 points, kept up the pace with a victory over Bacuna Matata, who now find themselves having been shunted into the relegation spots. Third and fourth face off this weekend, which even the meanest among the mean must admit is a tasty tête-à-tête. If Relic and stillluvQPR can pull out victories this weekend, they’re right back in the fight for survival. If Relic beats 57, they pull themselves to 4 points from safety. If stillluvQPR beats Granitza, they’ll be just three off the pace. If both those things happen AND Cornballers win AND it’s a draw in the marquee match between Bony and Increíble, Cornballers will really be off and running, and may be touch to catch, with a healthy 7-point lead.
League Two
You really don’t want to be on the receiving end of Tiger Tail’s retaliation tour. Everyone goes down, swinging or not. And Gloopy was swinging, coming up just a point short against the runaway league leaders. Harambe has a gorilla-strength grip on second place, and then it all gets a little jammed up and glued-together thereafter. Yer Man, Obi-Wan and BattleVAR are locked on 15 points and then Gloopy, Globes, Sugar Daddies and Wijnaldum dog pile on one another on 12. (These names are very satisfying to work with, even just in the two dimensions of a written chronicle. But sound, which may or may not be the nth dimension, would really add some mouthfeel. Try it at home.) Chicken and Bacon Sané hover behind by only three points, on the heels of an important win over Yer Man to keep the club in the mix although it has a long climb ahead. But within the congestion, there was still movement. Obi-Wan more than doubled Sugar Daddies’ score (with everyone level on points, Bestish isn’t just a side-thought), and BattleVAR beat Wijnaldum in another six-pointer of sorts. Top meets bottom this week in what could be a bloodbath or an epic upset. The outcome of Wijnaldum and Sugar Daddies could prove pivotal in separating the fortunes of the two and consign one (or both, with a draw) to the relegation spots for the moment.
National League
Only six points separate the top from the bottom. Bestish scores are all in the same ballpark. The social order is in flux, revolution is in the air, and the Romanovs are running scared. It’s a Marxist-Leninist utopia! However, Comrade Gun has yet to definitively appear in the hand of any one of the participants, so the Red Terror has yet to really begin in earnest. Chi Spurs translated victory over Jaysokker into its place at the head of the table, flanked by Diego Stamos 7 and Cumberland, level on points. Cumberland surrendered lone ownership of the tabular real estate in a low-scoring loss to Ole’s at the Wheel, dropping to third while while DS7 surged ahead on Bestish, combined with the week’s defeat of Chitown Gooners.
With the table so tight, it could all come down to who has the one standout player of the season. It could be a Red, maybe a Sky Blue, maybe even a Claret (not really, it just works as a series-third in a club-color theme), but with margins this tight, it can come down to one variable. (Who is that season-defining player, seriously? Asking for a friend.) The game week ahead promises an exciting derby between Chi Spurs and Chitown Gooners, as well as the lone Top 5 matchup between Diego Stamos and Klopps and Robbers, which could see the pack break up further (or not). With everyone packed in so tight, everyone’s in the title race, and a couple decisive head-to-heads could significantly shape the formation of the league table. With margins this tight, it might be about managing the micro-game, the intervals between, the drawing of form from the inchoate mass. Sure, no one’s sure what that even means, which is how you know it’s the secret formula.
And with that…good luck in the week ahead. Don’t bench the goal-scorers.
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