1/5 of the way through the season and it’s all downhill from here. Just as I predicted, the mighty Wolves are barreling their way to the top of the table (though my 2nd place prediction, Cardiff City, has yet to hit their full potential), Mourinho is destroying another proud club, and the best American Soccer players insist on sitting the bench for pro and college basketball teams. But fake football? That’s where the action is!
Premier League
In the mighty Prem, Bigger than Brolin kept it rollin (See what I did there? Free of charge) by taking down the Big One 49-42. Smash grabbed the short end of the stick in a 55-66 shoot-out loss to The Money Team, though both sit at 15 points and seem poised for big seasons. Vanishing Spray dropped three points to FC Santa Barbara, 46-54, and sit tied for 4th place in points – which is exactly what Gerald wanted for his birthday. Well 4th place and a new set of in-line skates. In the best-worst game of the week, Chucky Pad escaped the cellar for now by beating out East Loop in a defensive struggle, 37-36. The BayCobblers dropped Gene’s Unicorns into last place by their lonesome with a 47-40 defeat, even though the Unicorns have more points scored then the 8th and 9th place squads.
Championship
The battle for the Championship continues to be tight with 6 points separating 4th place from the pit of despair. Mighty Fine Feeling holds on to it’s grasp of 1st place, despite a 48-51 defeat to the All-Star Gunners. The Blues put in a less than boss performance and drop into a tie for 2nd after being beaten by Sporting Wicker, 32-48. PSV Wide Open put up the highest point total of the week, demolishing the Banana Swans 63-26, dropping the Bananas to the bottom of the table when combined with an extremely rare win by my shitty squad over Go Fuck Yourself, 46-38. Things are looking up for the Baggers though with the imminent introduction and domination of Fabinho next week. Or the week after. Or the week after that. Lastly, the team with the 2nd highest total points in the league, The G-Town Hotspurs, downed RelicFC, 59-45. I think I speak for everyone when I say next week’s Sant Barbara Derby is gonna be lit.
League One
12 table points and only 67 total points separate first from last in this wild league. Even the Gloopy Yarbles – whose name seems like the stupidest fecking name I’ve ever heard until I googled it and up came a Clockwork Orange reference and it’s cool again so I renamed my Chihuahua Feckin Gloopy Yarbles – have a chance to capture the title. They lost by the way, to the way more borringly named Branwellington FC (which, according to Google, is named after a fun company that makes clever t-shirts) 53-43. Branwellington sits tied in points atop the table with the Cornballers who squeezed out a 39-38 victory over AFC Chester. Tralfamador sits in 3rd after a tie with 9th place DC LFC, 41-41. StillLuvQPR lost a barnburner with KH Ganitza 58-65, with both squads poised for a run to the top, bottom, or middle. Yer Man defeated Wijnaldum Leviosa 48-36.
League Two
Unlike League One, League Two is clearly becoming the land of the haves and the have nots. Cabezazo Increible has racked up an astounding 456 total points and sits atop the table after a blowout victory over Gadagome FC, 69-30. This victory would be even more impressive without the recent revelation that Gadagome is a founding member of BFFA and has no idea how the points system works. When there is a League Three, he will no doubt be a founding member of it. Route 57 has managed to keep up with Cabezazo in table points, in part by teeing off on Glentoran last week, 68-35. Hung Like a Bony stands alone in third after beating up on last place Mourinho-lo, 49-29. Luckily, this Mourinho is not being blamed for the weather in London or Brexit, just their crappy fake football team, which is averaging 7.5 points per match. Tiger Tail Reta holds down 5th place after a victory over the Globes, 46-38. Finally the Sugar Dadies outmuscled Harambe 45-37, putting both clubs at 9 points on the season.
Good luck next week to everyone in league. To everyone in the Champions League, I hope you all tie in all the tiebreakers and we have to divy up the money to the league. Or pay the writers for their time because paying us for our content would be insulting to people who get paid because they are talented.
Say Something About This