Premier League
End times approach. Wounds have been inflicted, absorbed and endured. Sometimes licked. Snatches of phrases had indicated victors would party like it was 1999. Anecdotal reports throughout the leagues, however, suggest that if anyone did party, they must have partied as if it were an entirely different decade–no late-’90s party tropes were noticeably on display over the weekend. Understandable. Prince’s 1999 was cooler than the actual end of century, so partying “like” it’s 1999 has always been preferable to the actual 1999.
Eyewitnesses did however attest to title pyrotechnics atop the first division, and they were well pleased by the entertainment. In the final reckoning, Vanishing emerged. Money got slapped with a costly slow-your-roll order from the Unicorns. Bigger Than Brolin officially made the proceedings an official three-way and it got awkward quick. Brolin now faces the top two in sequential clashes in the two final weeks. Those two results should determine the ordering of the top three, while Unicorns’ parting shot may also have played a pivotal part in the deciding of the title. Tune in next week to see who gets felled next.
Championship
Second-place Boss’ Blues is now first-place Boss’ Blues, which goes to show that success hasn’t changed the ethos of the club. The boss still be bummed and in the dumps. (Unless “blues” refers to shirt jerseys…which might mean misinterpretations of the team name have dogged it all along.) All-Star Gunners face crunch time to see if they can reclaim the fake-plastic throne after choosing the wrong week to go head-to-head against MFF, whose imposing 78 would have defeated anyone. In so doing, MFF guaranteed themselves a bronze medal, as well as Premier-tier football next season. Sporting Wicker gained safety from relegation with their win and could still mathematically catch GoFYS for the final Champions League spot, though the bookies still favor the latter. In the bottom half of the table, everyone still has a shot at safety, though it’s looking grim for the Reliquarium faithful.
League One
Zoo won the division several weeks back, and AFC Chester stands ahead of the pack, winning all sorts of contests as the team most-likely-to-come-first-runner-up. Branwellington and Granitza Sting continue to hang and trade blows, now tied on 57 points, trailing second by 6. Granitza capitalized on Bran’s loss to Chester over the weekend, setting up a tasty finale in the medal positions. The mud-opacity of relegation waters has had an uptick in visibility, though not yet enough to see clear definition. Someone’s gonna peel out, someone else will predictably be wearing white, mud-spatter will be a part of the equation. It will end in tears. Except for those that make the great escape. Goodspeed, freaked-out travelers…
League Two
As if knowing the navigable stretches of highway better than the other roads in the race, Route 57 won the League Two title to a chorus of huzzahs, hoorays and he’s-a-jolly-good-fellows. Increíble adorns the proverbial cabezazo with silver, though it was never so much a matter of throwing towels or placing them near strategic throwing positions as it was there was no distance left to run. Increíble still goes strong in the Best-ish final stretch. Hung like a B.O.N.Y. clinched the third and final promotion spot. Gadagnome has had a tough year.
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