Premier League
Going from third to nerd first in a blink, time-portaling from one year to the next after circling the drain in one final, drunken countdown, Vanishing Spray now tops the BFFA pyramid. Fast-Fading Aerosol supplanted the Money Team 49-30 in the direct head-to-head and in so doing capitalized on Reykjavik’s loss to some foot-of-table trash team. Some have called Aerosol’s overall Bestish score “laughable,” “embarrassing,” and “sort of pathetic,” but who’s laughing now, y’all? Mm-hm. (You require less hydration if you always keep your mouth shut.) East Loop, Unicorns and Chucky Pad may justifiably feel 2019 amounts to little more than a cosmetic numerical change. Players old did not, in fact, come new again. In the mid-table, Bigo1 plotted the squad’s return to power for months in the subterranean furnace room, snapping up all the first waivers. He now wreaks havoc on those who slept. Bigger than Brolin put up some nice numbers as the tier’s next most likely to join the prestigious Bestish Thousandaires, after Money.
Championship
All Star Gunners occupies first, having logged a big score and a win while Boss’ Blues posted a 40-50 loss to Sporting Wicker. It was nearly a mid-table straight flush before that, with 4th, 5th, 6th and 7th all winning. Level with Blues on league points but ahead on Bestish, thanks in part to a hefty 71-56 victory over SB Town, Australia’s Best Gunners look well-situated to take a stab at season-end Bestish. Goleta, Sporting Wicker, GoFYS and PSV all won, with Goleta leading the pack in the crowded race for the final Champions League spot. And on the back of the narrowest of narrow 34-33 wins over third place MFF, a team that lost some ground but still has a shot at both the league and Bestish. Relic and SB Town look destined for the drop, barring major second-half surge. The last to fall through the moon door is a point of anxiety for those who otherwise optimistically aim for 4th. It’s a cruel world. There are winners, sporadically, but in the end, we all lose…
League One
Kurt Vonnegut dropped points but still owns League 1. But two more of those and there might could may be some semblance of ¡Hay Liga! Grinds of the highest lap dance order still be happ’nin apace. StillluvQPR and Yer Man had a monster melee in which QPR emerged victorious, and Yer Man the highest-scoring nonwinner for the week, in all tiers. As one once said, “Watch your laps.” Granitza defeated Tralfamadore 55-49, Wellington won 50-38 over Wijnaldum, Gloopy beat Chester 40-32 and Cornballers rolled up DC LFC with 46 to the latter’s 31.
League Two
Harambe unzipped the gorilla suit and thwapped an impressive if inappropriate 72 on the duel field, causing all opponents to shriek and run for the hills, hands flapping as if snapped at the wrist. Route 57, unperturbed, maintains the lead opened up over the festive fixtures and focuses on its own Bestish, in the event Cabezazo or Bony can close the league points gap. Tiger Tail dropped points in the marquee matchup of second and joint third (now fourth), so everything is spaced out in multiples of easy threes at the top. In other news, Mourinho-LO edged past Sugar Daddies in a three-point showdown and Bony nearly doubled Glentoran but for a measly point.
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