EYE-CATCHING!
Week three brought the inevitable ascension of Watford into the Big Four, proved that Wolverhampton is the equal of City, and showed that Mourinho mostly gets his team gear from fans who are sick of his shit. Fun!
Meanwhile, in fake football, teams with long, fancy names reign supreme – further confirming the famous long, fancy name strategy popularized by Sokratis Papastathopolous, among others.
–PREM: In the Prem, top of the table Bigger than Brolin prevailed over Smash & Grab in an epic battle for league supremacy. The top scorer of the week was Vanishing Spray, who grabbed points like the president grabs private parts, decimating AC Reykjavic, 81-26. Vanishing’s 2nd place standing in no way precludes our fearless leader from pursuing his ultimate goal of 5th in the division. East Loop, Chucky Pad, and The Money Team all scored three pointers to keep pace with Spray and Grab at 6. Bigo lost his 2nd in a row and an official investigation is currently underway. FC Santa Barbara sits at 3 points, but lives in Santa Barbara, so probably doesn’t care all that much anyways. Reykjavic and Unicorn still stand at 0, but if Huddersfield can score a point, there’s hope for anyone.
-CHAMP: Boss Blues and Mighty Fine Feeling continue their undefeated runs in the Championship, with a battle of the titans type situation looming in week 5. If they sold tickets to fake football matches, I would probably not buy one. The real star of the division last week was Goleta Hotspur, who waxed down Sporting Wicker 80-33. Goleta is a suburb of Santa Barbara, so they probably care a little more – though they have Costco and Santa Barbara doesn’t, so there’s that to hang their hat on. Speaking of Santa Barbara, the Baggers reached 30 for the first time all season in losing to Mighty Fine, prompting a beer to be consumed. In other action, PSV Wide Open took down All Star Gunners, creating a tie at 6 points with Hotspur. Joining SB at 3 points are GoFYS and Relic, the former beating the latter in a 37-29 barn burner. Sporting Wicker and the Banana Swans continue to look for their first points, though little evidence exists to suggest they are looking that hard.
–LEAGUE 1: Tralfamadore Zoo and Cornballers continue to enjoy maximum points in League 1, though Tralfamadore (can I call you Tralf?) enjoys a 51 point lead in tiebreaker points. My sources tell me Tralf is pretty high on the Bestish list. My sources also told me picking up Man U defenders was a good option. The entire division enjoyed tight games last week with 8 points being the largest margin separating any two teams. Chester and Yer Man were two of the victors and sit tied at 6 points. 5 teams sit on 3 points, with Wijnaldum securing their first win last week over K.H. Granitza FC, who continues to pursue their first points of the season.
–LEAGUE 2: Cabezazo Increible again proved that having a french dessert for a name is totally awesome, snatching their third victory in as many weeks. Their victim this week was The Tiger Tail Reta, who currently sit at 0 points, but have 1 super fun name. The Sugar Daddies dropped out of a tie for first with a one-point loss to Hung like a Bony, sparking several “Bros over Hoes” references in the local fake football media – not to be confused with the fake football fake media. Glentoran, Harambe, and Route 57 all picked up victories to make it 5 teams at 6 points in an extremely competitive division. Gadagnome had their all time best win streak of one snapped, joining the Globes at three points. Mourinho-lo was on the wrong end of Route 57’s victory, but was reported to be feeling very well-respected. All 4 teams look to avoid relegation to non-league fantasy football, where the write-ups are mildly better but transactions are made via spitball.
Don’t forget to check out the Best-ish standings. It’s fun. And worth a cool $100.
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