EYE-CATCHING!
–PREM: Sporting Wicker Park defeated East Loop to stay in top spot, four ahead of Chucky Pad in a week when second through fifth all dropped points. Life is good when you win and your enemies do not, the disgusting scum you hate with the intensity of 1000 suns, as a local Wicker Park hipster barkeep later paraphrased the manager’s slurrings between pints four and five on victory night. Chucky drew with SB Town Baggers in a limbo bout of the week’s lowest scores. Although not evident in the weekend’s 33, SB Town has been powering up the table in recent weeks. And yet, every point counts. For the Warriors, the point from the draw ensures the team remains a point ahead of East Loop and two ahead of four through six. The Money Team defeated Bigo1 for a much-needed points boost, within striking distance of pulling itself out of ninth and into safety. Vanishing Spray took fifth after annihilating Smash and throwing the latter’s brittle remains to the ground like a satisfied if slightly inappropriate diner at a Greek restaurant. Spray then proceeded to grind the shattered ceramics into red dust on the tile floor, apparently feeling quite vicious. Unverified reports also allege mass razing, burning and salting of soil, Carthage-style. Bigo1, Vanishing and Smash now sit level on points, with FC Santa Barbara 3 points back and SB Town one further. GoFYS will be fuming after barely losing to FC Santa Barbara in their 49-48 throwdown.
–CHAMPIONSHIP: The top three all won to stay joint top of the table on 30 points, Banana Swans and Granitza six back on 24. With the right scoreline, the Swans could have leaped over Reykjavik to third, but the BayCobblers had other ideas, such as flambéing and polishing off Banana with a side of Icelandic cream. Eating the cream puff of one’s enemies: an effective fear tactic in war, but hardly a dessert likely to catch on, swanmeat and all. Meanwhile, Gene’s Unicorns went all mean-girls on Cornballers after the ‘ballers dared to bask in midweek victory. The Reserves ripped the joy out of Corn’s chest in a particularly demoralizing and graphic 61-35, moving the clippity-clops closer to the BayCobblers on overall points–the distance now cut down to 28. Bigger than Brolin likewise came with a points total bigger than All Star, Boss Barkley crushed Granitza Sting 62-38, and Goleta Hotspur thwacked the hand of Branwellington with a ruler and the words, “Step off. Mind your place, upstart.” Cutting. Cruel.
–LEAGUE 1: The top two faced off–Relic and PSV Wide Open separated by just a point. When the smoke cleared, Relic emerged having earned itself some breathing room at the top. The antiquarian set now leads the division by four. This puts PSV in a dogfight to retain second with two right on its heels. A point back, Chester defeated Mighty Fine Feeling in the undercard of third v fifth. On the plus side for MFF, it booked a spot in the Champions League final against Sporting Wicker. Chester won by three points to get the three points but Wijnaldum kept pace, defeating 4th Place to remain in fourth place but also almost kind of third, level on league points with the Chest. StillluvQPR squeaked past Old Sexpats by a point, meaning Mighty Fine Feeling leads Rangerslovers only on overall points (although many of them), putting fifth up for grabs at the moment. Yer Man stays five points above the relegation spots, escaping the claws of Retaliation in a 64-31 run out.
–LEAGUE 2: At Tralfamadore Zoo, the animals celebrate with their custodial waitstaff. Another win, coupled with losses to second through fourth, means that the exotics have officially taken over the joint. And yet a better performance by a certain slab-of-meat Gallic forehead could reportedly have changed it all. Gloopy Yarbles nearly pegged the Tralfamadore giant back in a tight 41-40. Victory would have steered the Gloops into second, just two off the summit, yet now the gap elongates to eight. Route 57 checked second-place DC LFC with its second loss running, a damaging mini run for the DC crew with the fixtures coming fast and furious. For Route 57, who now slides into sixth, the outcome will be remembered with far more warmth. Mourinho-LO beat Tapped Up and Hung like a Bony toppled The Globes, making Globes’s footing in fourth more tenuous, LO just two points behind. Gadagnome got a much needed victory in a one-point finish against Glentoran, delivering the team to the cusp of double digits.
Don’t forget to check out the Best-ish standings. It’s fun. And worth a cool $100.
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